


Bi-light

by Volo



Series: An Indefinable Amount of Shades of Grey and Red (A collection of all of my Davekat fics) [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: (and I don't mean Dave and KK here), 5+1 Things, Alternate Universe - Vampire, Dave does not break into KK's room and watch him sleep, KK is black in this because fuck Twilight, Karkat is Bella Swan, M/M, POV First Person, The Author Regrets Nothing, Twilight AU, but 12 things, for a short time some assholes appear and are assholes so warning for that, mostly follows the book but a scene is taken almost literally from the film, sadly Twilight does not exist in this universe or this would be a very different story, the beta kids are called Cullen, you can read this if you don't know Twilight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-21
Updated: 2016-10-21
Packaged: 2018-08-23 19:19:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8339593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Volo/pseuds/Volo
Summary: 12 times Dave was terribly unsubtle about being a mind-reading, sparkling vampire with an unquenchable thirst for Karkat’s blood and one time he just straight up talked about it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> 12 + 1 = 13. yay, it’s a number that’s vaguely important in homestuck.  
> also 3*4*1 = 12.

1.

New school, new people to hate. What a fucking joy. I should never have moved to Forks. But my sick brother needed help and sometimes I can be a decent fucking person, call the police.

It was a small-ass town and they all stared at me like they’d never seen a human being before. Or a black guy. I looked around the cafeteria, trying to find someone who did not, in fact, ogle me like I was the newest attraction at the carnival. Or a particularly tasty dessert.

There was a group of four people seated at a desk who stood out like a chicken at Wall Street. They all looked way too pale, like they had no blood in their bodies, and even more tired than I felt, which was a fucking accomplishment if I were to say so myself. They were also not moving at all, just sitting there, not touching their food at all and barely moving their lips when they spoke. One of them even wore sunglasses indoors.

I asked the unsympathetic chick who happened to sit next to me, “Who are those people over there?”

She giggled for some reason. “The Cullens?”

Abruptly one of them turned his head and appeared to look at me. It was the one with the sunglasses. I held my breath. He leaned forward and said something to the other three. They all turned their heads in perfect and far too quick unison and stared at me with the same yellow eyes.

I whispered, “What the fuck? This is the goddamn creepiest moment of my entire life.”

The girl giggled again like a very flat character. “I think they like you. They all usually just ignore us. And I feel like Rose and Dave, the white-haired ones, sometimes make fun of us.”

I saw Rose smirk and the corner of Dave’s mouth go up. As I stared in amazement at this creepy-ass family, Dave said something and they all stopped ogling me, turning their heads in perfect sync again.

“Those creepy motherfuckers.”

“You think they’re creepy?”

I gave her an incredulous look. “You think they’re not? Did you not just seriously get the feeling they could hear our entire conversation?” Dave looked up again. I stared with an open mouth, shaking my head. “Fucking stop already.”

Dave said something to his friends and they got up in basically one single really fucking quick motion, picked up their uneaten food, dumped it and left.

I looked at the girl next to me with utter befuddlement, but she was texting somebody about pumpkins. More specifically, she appeared to not know what pumpkin they were talking about.

 

 

2.

I had biology next, not that I cared about fucking cells or other similarly irrelevant-to-my-interests shit. It was not like I was going to need biology for my romance novel author career. Except for the obvious anatomy knowledge.

When I walked into the classroom, I saw that the only free chair was next to Dave. I moved closer and suddenly he tensed as if I’d pulled out a gun. I froze too.

“Uh. Can I sit here?”

Dave stared at me without otherwise indicating he had heard me.

I talked louder and clearer this time, like he was a toddler. “I. Want. To. Sit. Here.”

He opened his mouth, closed it. Opened it again.

Finally, he said, “No.” The word came out like it cost him lots of strength to even talk.

“Excuse me? I only asked to be polite, you manner-less pimple on the ass of the human race. Nobody actually tells people they can’t sit somewhere for no sensible reason at all, did nobody teach you manners? And what’s wrong with you anyway? Unclench that fucking fist and stop looking like I smell like shit and just talk to me like a goddamn person with an actual brain that is not dead. You’re just some fuckbitching racist, aren’t you? If you don’t give me a good reason why you said no, I swear to every malicious deity out there I will plant my ass in this seat and never fucking move it again.”

He didn’t say anything.

I sat down.

He moved his chair to be as far away from me as possible.

I let out an enraged sound and got ready for a very long and enlightening rant when the teacher told me to be quiet. I ranted at the teacher instead until she told me to go leave the room until I’d calmed down, despite my insistence that I was as calm as her left tit.

She ended up taking me to the principal.

 

 

3.

When I left the principal’s office, I saw Dave talking to the secretary.

I heard him say, “I don’t care what class, just any other class. Put me in physics instead if you have to, I’ll atomize Isaac Newton, just imagine positrons and apples flying left and right, defying gravity. Anything but this one biology class.”

Wow. I stepped closer. His reaction was instantaneous and as rude as ever. He basically flew around and glared at me. It was the most emotion I’d ever seen on his face.

“I can’t believe what an asshole you are. I never did anything to you and if I’m so ugly you can’t stand it you should at least admit it to me before changing your fucking class. Seriously, what on God’s cursed Earth has gotten into you, do you just normally act like such an obnoxious dick or am I special in that you just hate me for no reason? No, you know what, don’t answer that, you probably only know the word ‘no’ anyway. At least that’s how I’d estimate your intelligence from where I’m standing and if it’s anything like your manners, it is a fucking horrifying abomination.”

He didn’t move at all.

I yelled, “For fuck’s sake, would you stop that?”

“Sorry.”

I was almost startled by him actually talking to me.

“What are you sorry for?”

“...You’re right about almost everything you’re saying, even if it’s way over the top. And kind of rude too.”

I frowned. “I didn’t start it.”

“Sorry. Uh. It’s just. You still smell like the cafeteria food and I’m hungry... But I think I’m getting used to it.”

I shook my head. “You are seriously fucked up.”

He shrugged and left. Fled, almost. You flip off the door and look to the secretary to assure yourself that it’s not you who’s lost his fleeting grip on reality in this.

She said, “Maybe he’s having a bad day? I’m afraid you boys will have to work it out because changing classes isn’t possible.”

 

 

4.

The next day, Dave and the other three weren’t at school. I was glad. He was a fucking douche.

He also didn’t come the day after that, so I asked one of the guys I’d met, Sollux, “What’s up with Dave? And the other Cullens.”

“The Cullens? You mean why are they so weird?”

“Why aren’t they at school? Does anybody know anything? The last time I talked to Dave, he told me I couldn’t sit next to him because I smelled like food. Then he tried to get out of our class together.”

“Dude. Maybe it was just one of his metaphors? That doesn’t sound like Dave. He’s a dick, but not like that.”

“No, trust me. He was very clear. He basically spelled it out in big black letters that he doesn’t like me for some reason, no metaphors or anything. I swear to god, he hated me so much I wouldn’t be surprised if he was skipping school because of me now.”

Sollux didn’t look convinced of that theory. “The Cullens skip school a lot. Or, well, their father Andrew always tells the school they’re sick. But all at once every time? Come on.”

“I knew they were lazy rich pricks.”

Sollux nodded. “They always skip school when the sun’s shining. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re going camping or something stupid and outdoors.”

“What, every time the sun’s out?”

“Every single time. It’s like they’re allergic to the sun.” Sollux rolled his eyes and killed a guy on his laptop.

 

 

5.

After three days, the Cullens were back.

I saw them in the cafeteria. I made a point to complain about Dave especially loudly. He only looked at me once. Then, when I sat down for biology, he wasn’t there. I figured he’d just decided to skip the class for some completely idiotic reason, like maybe I hurt his feelings.

But when I got out my things, somebody started talking to me.

“Yo.”

I whipped around to look at him standing next to our desk. “Dave.”

“Karkat.”

Of course. “How do you know my name?”

“Everybody’s always thinking about you.”

“Right. You don’t get any less weird the more I talk to you. And that’s really fucking hard, considering where we started off on the weirdness scale. At the very fucking top.”

He nodded at me like he agreed. “I meant, everybody’s always talking about you, all Karkat here, Karkat there. You’re hot new shit, haven’t you heard?”

I narrowed my eyes. “Why are you talking to me again?”

“Small talk, you know. Just being friendly.” He leaned against the desk, striking a pose that maybe was supposed to be cool, with one hand in the pocket of his pants.

“Friendly. I am surprised you even know that word. You have, after all, proven to lack any manners.”

“So we got off on the wrong foot. So wrong in fact, it was probably a foot that isn’t even supposed to be there, just a mutation or something.”

“You think?”

“Point is, I’m not usually that strange. Or at the very minimum, I’m not usually that strange in such a rude way.”

I looked at him. His skin seemed healthier today and he looked less tired.

“Were you sick? You seemed sick. And I don’t mean in an insulting way, I mean genuinely sick. Okay, maybe partially insulting.”

“Bro, I’m almost as sick as my beats.” He started beatboxing and dancing to it.

I watched him, but he didn’t realize how embarrassing he really was. “I wish you hadn’t started talking to me. We could be sitting in hateful silence right now.”

“Ah, yes, the good old days.”

Thankfully the lesson started. And apparently, we had to do teamwork. Look at an onion and determine something. I didn’t really care.

“Whoever came up with the idea of teamwork should get shot. By someone in their team.”

Dave shrugged. “At least it’s just the two of us.”

“That’s the bad part. Almost as bad as biology in and of itself."

“Will you forgive me for being a dick if I do all of the work?”

I considered him. He seemed genuine enough. Well, I’d had enough mood swings to understand somebody just randomly being a dick. Puberty’s a bitch. It’s hard being a kid and growing up. It’s hard and nobody understands.

“Fine. Just tell me what to write down, okay?” I got out my pen.

“Easy, I’ve done this a million times before.” He put his sunglasses on the top of his head and looked into the microscope.

“What, why? In school?”

He leaned back. “Uh. At home. I’m a hobby biologist. Yup. Just me and my onion friends biologing it up.”

I couldn’t look away from his eyes. They were a bright gold, like nothing I’d ever seen before. He watched me as I stared at him.

“Bro?”

I finally snapped out of it. “I am not your brother. Didn’t you want to inspect those onions?”

“You were looking at me like I’d just done a magic trick. Or you’d fallen in love, but that seems even more unlikely.”

“Are you wearing contacts? Your eyes are... really unusual.”

“Contacts, yeah, that’s how I get the chicks. And the dudes. Just everybody, they come flying left and right and sideward and center square, throw themselves at my feet until I can’t see the ground anymore. Kind of embarrassing for them, you understand.”

“I really don’t.”

Did that mean he was bisexual?

Dave shrugged. “Guess you have to experience it to get it.”

“So you’re single? And you’re using contacts to seem more attractive?”

“Hell yeah, and what do you know, already people are staring. These things are hot people magnets.” He winked in a way too exaggerated way.

“Then what about the shades? You’re wearing contacts behind shades?”

“Those are hot people magnets too. Ben Stiller wore these, like actually had these on his face. They’re the original. They were a gift from John.”

I raised my eyebrows. “That John must really hate you.”

Dave snorted. “How could anybody hate this face?”

“Do you want an honest answer to that? At this point, I’m an expert at hating you.”

“Please, you don’t hate me. I may not be able to read your mind, but that’s not what hate looks like. Plus, considering how you ranted at poor Ms. Paint last time for telling you to be quiet, the fact that you haven’t called me a malformed ass cheek yet means you must want to marry me.”

I glared. “You are a malformed ass cheek.”

“Thanks, boo.”

He moved to look at the microscope, but that was when the teacher said the time was up. We didn’t talk the rest of the lesson, but I saw him grip the table again like he did the last time. I watched him out of the corners of my eyes and I swear, he didn’t breathe once.

 

 

6.

The next day, the roads were icy as fuck, as if this town wasn’t already miserable enough. I made sure to drive extra carefully.

But. Not everybody had a brain, apparently.

I got out of my car, cursing cold weather with all of my withered soul. My eyes immediately fell on Dave on the other side of the parking lot.

That’s when it happened.

A horrible screeching sound came from behind. I turned around, and a car was coming right at me. I yelled and tried to get out of the way. I slipped. My head crashed against the pavement.

Involuntarily I closed my eyes. I only had time to think _ouch, fuck_. An awful crash sounded right by my ears.

Silence fell. And I was still alive. I opened my eyes. Right in front of me was Dave Cullen.

I mumbled, “This is a really weird heaven.”

I looked around.

“You’re not dead.”

I saw Dave. Saw the old black Audi, half in the driver’s side of my own car. Saw two handprints in the side of the Audi.

“Did you...?” I exhaled. “Fuck. I’ve lost my mind. You were over there. Did you stop the car with your hands? What the fuck is even happening?”

“Shit. No.” Dave stepped back. “I didn’t do that. You’re in shock.”

I yelled, “In shock? You fucking dick, I saw you. And I see this.”

I stared at the handprints in incredulity. Put my hands over them.

“Whoa, no... Those were already there.”

“No!” I screamed at him.

“Please?”

People had rushed to me and now began talking to me, but I could only focus on Dave. He mouthed ‘please’ again. I nodded at him. He stepped back until the crowd swallowed him. The driver, some random background character, started apologizing and crying.

 

 

7.

I had to go the hospital just because I’d slipped and hit my head. I met Dave’s father, Andrew Cullen, who was a doctor there. And who, for some reason, talked like he was trying to prove how intelligent he was, made a lot of nonsensical ironic jokes, and gushed about horses. If that was how Dave grew up, I felt sorry for him now.

Dave came to visit me in the hospital.

I saw him open the door and jumped up. “Explain!”

“Bananas are bent like that because they grow out of the side of the tree and then grow towards the sun.”

“Fuck you!” I bared my teeth at him in the most ineffective threatening gesture ever.

“Not while my dad’s in the next room.”

“I witnessed you commit a fucking supernatural act to save my life. And no, I did not make that up and no, I’m not in shock. I am as clear in the head as I’m ever going to be and I know what I saw.”

He was silent for almost a fucking minute. “What can I say to that?”

“The fucking truth. Sometimes people still tell the truth. Except me apparently. I lied for you.”

Dave raised his eyebrows. “You lied?”

“I told them you just pushed me out of the way. Not the goddamned car. And nobody saw what happened. But I’m definitely starting to regret lying for your stupid dodgy ass.”

“Okay, but... You said that because nobody would have believed anything else.”

“Oh, would you like me to test that theory?” I walked to the door.

“Hey, dude, man. People can do all kinds of batshit crazy things on adrenaline.”

“Adrenaline or not, people get hurt when they put their hands out to stop a car.” I clapped my hands together for emphasis.

He sighed. “Can’t you just be glad that you’re alive? Life is a miracle and you get to pet puppies, feel the spirit.”

Then he turned around and just fucking left. I yelled after him, but he turned a corner and was gone.

Well, it seemed I wouldn’t get anything out of him.

That night was the first night I, as reluctantly as possible, dreamt of him.

 

 

8.

The next time we had biology, I came to the classroom a bit too early. When Dave finally came in, he was too late.

He sat down next to me and took out his phone to text under the table.

“Hey, Dave.”

He nodded at me.

I waited.

I said, “That’s it?”

He shrugged.

I stared at him. He kept on texting.

The teacher left the classroom to go and get something and I demonstratively stood up to go to talk to someone else. Literally anyone else.

Jade ended up being the closest and friendliest. And usually not entirely unbearable to speak to, despite her being friends with Dave. I talked to her and everything was normal for once. Until she brought up the topic of some ball that apparently was coming up. Maybe prom. I didn’t really care.

“I think we should go together!”

I gaped at Jade, but a movement distracted me. Dave had sat up, phone completely forgotten.

“You fucker, there’s no sensible way you heard that from over there.”

Jade giggled and turned around to look at Dave for a moment. She waggled her eyebrows at him. He just looked at the two of us.

She smiled at me and added, “As friends, I mean.”

“Oh. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I hate balls. And people. We could hang out, but please not at a school event. Everybody here sucks.” I added loudly, “Especially Dave.”

Jade laughed. “Sadly, it’s what he sucks that worries some people.”

“Did you just make a sex joke? I can’t believe it. And I thought you were innocent.”

“Oh, you still don’t know?” She bit her lip.

“Know what? Don’t be cryptic.”

“Uh, sorry, the teacher’s coming back.”

I glared at her, but she ended up being right. I had to return to my seat. Once the lesson was over, I expected Dave to shoot out of his seat and leave immediately. Instead he hung back.

He leaned against the table. “Look, hey, I don’t want to offend you, easy as it is. It’s just that I can’t answer any of your questions. And neither can my family.”

“I think they can speak for themselves, you douche. I get it, you regret it, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a complete asshole about absolutely everything, even if that’s your usual setting.”

Dave stood up straight again. “Regret it? Saving you? Is that what you’re talking about?”

“Of course that’s what I’m talking about.”

“Yeah, sure, I regret not just standing there and watching somebody die. That’s usually the kind of thing I enjoy so I don’t know why I didn’t just sit back and eat popcorn this time. Must be all the rain getting to me.”

I snorted. “Do not pretend you are morally upstanding now.”

“I saved your life. And I risked a lot to manage that. And I don’t regret it. And I also know I’m sort of being the worst kind of vaguely phallic shaped object. But we can’t be friends. You would end up getting hurt. I know that sounds cryptic as fuck and totally comes out of nowhere and sort of makes me sound like I’m going to shoot up the school, but trust me on this. If nothing else, trust me on this one thing.”

“Oh, great. That’s the nicest way anybody’s ever said they don’t want to be friends with me.”

“Hey, I said we can’t be friends, not that I don’t want to be.”

I was speechless for a second. “I’m done with your flip-flopping. Let’s return to half an hour ago when you weren’t talking to me.”

I stormed out.

 

 

9.

After that, I ignored him. And everybody was happy. We all got exactly what we wanted. It was absolutely perfect. During class we just sat next to each other, me with my arms crossed more often than not. Who even cared what the fuck was up with him? Certainly not me.

We could have coexisted happily for eternity, but one day, during lunch, he called out to me. “Yo, Karkat! Hey. Come sit down here. We should talk.”

I gave him my best angry look and stomped over. “What? What could we possibly talk about?”

“I’m breaking up with you.”

“...Excuse me?”

“That’s what people say when they say ‘we should talk’, don’t they?”

I buried my face in my hands. “You fucking braindead roadkill.”

“Hey, just trying to lighten the mood. Set it on fire instead it seems. I guess I really should not play with matches.”

I pretended to get up. “I’m going to sit with my friends again.”

“No, look. This is shit. This is some kind of next level morality philosophy bullcrap. But I don’t want you to be, like, actively mad at me.”

“Was that speech supposed to make sense?”

“Here’s the thing.” He leaned forward. “I’m like that bunny in Monty Python that eats people. I seem nice, or at least dope and cool as -4 degree Kelvin, but I’m really not someone you should waste idle time with. But can you, like, not hate me like that? It’s not like I ran over your Grandma and then shat on her corpse.”

I looked at him with narrowed eyes. “What on this wasteland called Earth do you actually want from me right now?”

“I want you to not be mad at me.”

“Then tell me the truth. It’s as easy as good old homemade apple pie.”

“Fist bump for apple pie.” He held out his fist.

“Don’t deflect.”

“Don’t leave the apple pie hanging.” He wiggles his fist.

“I will only fist bump you once you explain at least half of your idiosyncrasies.”

“Damn, that’s gonna take at least until tomorrow night. All of them? How can I possibly explain my irrationally sick beats and ill rhymes? Tell you what, I’ll give you one thing and if that sufficiently blows your mind you’ll leave it be.”

I regarded him with suspicion, but bumped my fist against his.

“Alright, here goes. Hold onto your hats or at least whatever unkempt mane you have on your head.”

I held my breath.

“You know X-Men?”

“No. You’re an X-Man?”

“Ha, no. Never mind then. I just have some dope-ass mind reading powers. Get bombarded with all of these depressed horny teens’ thoughts like the most voyeuristic kind of movie cliché. Ain’t nothing cooler than hearing hundreds of people swing between ‘I hate school’ and ‘I wish this person would fuck me already’.”

“What? You can read minds?”

“Exactly.”

I had horrible flashbacks to all of the times I’d thought about how attractive he was. Hours of sitting next to him had led me to contemplate whether I’d have sex with him in the unlikely event that the possibility arose, and now, as was customary for my life, I had to pay the horrible price. I hoped somebody would shoot me soon.

“Hilarious as that face is, don’t look quite so shocked. I can’t read yours. That’s actually why I noticed you in the first place. That and your distaste for everything that surrounds you. Love that kind of spirit.”

I deflated. “Thank God.”

He snorted. “Do you have something to hide? Are you secretly a drug dealer? Can’t be worse than some of the kinky thoughts my sister believes are appropriate to think in class. And she knows I can read minds. I’ll never be able to look Kanaya in the eyes again. Or vaguely near her body.”

“I don’t have anything to hide. Have you ever heard of privacy? It appears not. This is fucking horrible.”

“Hey, I try to tune them out as much as I can. It’s not like I can just live in the woods Robinson Crusoe style and snapchat the trees until my phone’s battery dies and with it my will to live.”

I shook my head. “How can I even trust that you’re not bullshitting me? Or maybe this is just another one of your stupid drawn out metaphors. You’re kind of famous for them.”

He looked over my shoulder at the rest of the cafeteria. “Right now Kanaya is thinking about how great Rose’s fashion sense is, damn lesbians and their perfect relationships, Sollux is thinking about the duality of man, Eridan is thinking about Feferi’s boobs, John is planning a prank on Jade, Jane is thinking about the merits of a global currency and Vriska, damn, Vriska is thinking how cute we are together. In our relationship that we obviously have.”

“You’re making this up. This is entirely useless without proof. And wait, that still explains nothing. How did you stop the car? It’s not like you listened in on the car and then talked all of its problems over until it decided to become a better car.”

“We said I’d only tell you one thing.”

I crossed my arms. “We agreed on you only telling me one thing if it blew my mind and I’m still unblown.”

“...Well, that’s a damn shame.”

“Blow my mind already.”

“Sorry, not my secret to tell.”

I looked over my shoulder at Rose, Jade and John. “Your family? I get it. You’re all aliens and that’s why you’re pretending to be one family even though you’re obviously not related at all?”

“We’re adopted. Is aliens your number one theory at the moment?” He leaned forward, looking like this conversation was not batshit crazy.

“Yes. I can only hope you’re not going to take over the world one day or we would not fare well.”

“That’s basically what I’ve been telling you this whole time. Except the aliens part. But that was actually not a bad theory. They’re out there. Hashtag Alien Lover For Life.”

I exhaled loudly. “Now you’re just making fun of me.”

“Absolutely not. I’m telling you, I’m gonna fuck the first alien that comes my way. That’d be one hell of a story to tell my grandchildren or really just anybody I meet. I’d become a fucking legend.”

The bell rang and that was that.

 

 

10.

I had biology right after lunch. When the class started he still hadn’t shown up. He actually had the gall to skip for no reason. Well, I could get through the lesson just fine without him.

It turned out that we were going to determine our blood types. We all had to prick our fingers with a needle, as Ms. Paint cheerfully told us.

 

 

11.

I passed out. Because of course I did. Somewhere up there, there was a malicious God named Murphy who only wanted the most embarrassing situations for me. I fucking hated seeing blood.

They told me to go to the nurse. As I stumbled down the corridor, head buzzing but clear enough to curse school under my breath, Dave appeared at the end of the hallway.

“Yo, what happened to you? Did you get attacked by a wild tiger in biology class? A tiger that, apparently, did not maul you but disoriented you a little. Probably just confusion as to why a tiger would ever show up in rainy, little Forks.”

“Well, maybe if you’d been there, you’d have found out. Skipping’s bad for your future, no matter how cool and sick you think you are.”

He came to my side and helped hold me up. “Don’t worry about my future, I’ll just become famous making shitty movies.”

“Yes, that does indeed sound like a solid plan. If you really have to know... I fainted.”

Dave stopped walking. “You faint at the sight of blood?”

“I just see it and the color screams at me and I feel like I can smell it and taste it and that’s just fucking shit. Don’t you dare judge me, you can’t even beatbox.”

He let out a small laugh. “What does it taste like?”

“Like iron.”

“Ahaha. Do you usually make a habit out of drinking blood?”

I glared at him. “Every fucking day of my life. I don’t drink anything else. But it’s okay because I only drink my own blood like the fucking snake that eats its own tail.”

I had to lean against him. The thought of drinking blood made me woozy. I felt his body shake as he laughed silently.

“This is the goddamn most ironic moment of my entire life and it isn’t even of my own design, fucking weak. Hey, do you need me to carry you?”

I leaned away. “I would rather choke on my own tongue and die right here in this dirty school hallway.”

“Well, the offer stands whenever you feel like it. Hey, when the nurse tells you to go home, you should ride with me in my dope mobile. You look like you’re going to faint again any second now, just boom and gone.”

“You don’t have to do that, I feel perfectly fine now. I just need to eat something. And you really shouldn’t skip class, I still stand by that. You’ll regret it when you’re older.”

“Yeah. When I’m old and gray.” He sighed. “Well, here we are. Ride with Strider escorts any time again.” 

He left. I yelled after him, “That doesn’t make sense.”

 

 

12.

That weekend, I drove to Port Angeles to buy some shit. I went to a book store because I’d probably die if I ever ran out of books. And my favorite author had just written a new love story about werewolves.

There was a group of college guys in there, the type to make rape jokes while snorting coke they bought with their fathers’ money. At least that was how I’d rate them. I rolled my eyes at the stupid shit they said and ignored them.

Until one of them saw what I was buying and said, “Dude, you’re not seriously reading that gay shit.”

So I yelled at them. Of course I did. When somebody says something stupid, it’s basically your duty to tell them they’re being stupid. I informed them of their lack of intelligence and manners and virtues in general in great detail and, once I’d finished, flounced out of the book store in victory.

Except they followed me out and they looked even more pissed than I felt, and more violent, and also I was totally alone and oh shit. I hunched my shoulders and swallowed. They wouldn’t do anything, would they?

Then one guy with an ugly green snapback yelled something too racist for my brain to even wrap around.

I opened my mouth, torn between telling the abhorrent shitflinger off and backpedaling so hard that I’d probably be able to shove my head up their asses. Neither was particularly appealing.

They came closer. There was hardly any doubt that they weren’t planning to invite me for tea.

I ran. Better to be safe than to not look like a coward.

They ran after me.

I yelled, “Oh fuck, what the fuck, what’s your fucking deal?” and tried to speed up.

That was the moment a fucking obnoxious Ferrari old-timer convertible stopped in front of me. “Yo, Karkat.”

I stopped and just stared at Dave for a moment, too baffled to do anything.

“Get in.” He looked at the guys behind me, then back at me. “We’re going shopping, loser.”

I got into the car. “Fucking excuse me?”

“Mean Girls?” he asked. The guys started yelling and he yelled back, “Go fuck yourselves.”

“Fucking drive already.”

He accelerated far too quickly. I sank into the seat. Took a deep breath. Did not cry.

I mumbled, “How did you find me? Are you stalking me now?”

“In your dreams. I picked up their thoughts and thought ‘damn, sounds like those guys should be in jail, I should check this out’. And then I saw your face in their minds and I figured maybe jail wouldn't be enough. Hey, you’re okay though, right?”

“I’m just fucking peachy.” I shook my head. “Peachy, I’m telling you. Just pick me up and use me to make a fucking fruit salad.”

“I’m gonna go back and ask those fuckers nicely to never even think about anything like that again.”

I sat up. “What? Have you lost the last remnants of a mind you had?”

“I can take them easily.”

He sounded completely convinced of that. I studied him. His teeth were clenched.

“You’re telling me you’re some kind of super-powered dangerous creature of the night or what?”

“Just tell me where to drop you off so I can get this over with.”

I put my hand on his arm to hold him back. At this point I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had just fucking jumped out of the moving car. “No, absolutely not. You’re not gonna indulge in some stupid vigilantism. Be a reasonable person for once. What the fuck!”

“You don’t know what they were thinking. Fuck, just the complete lack of respect for human life that isn’t exactly like their own shitfests. You seriously have no idea. Besides, I wouldn’t kill them, just threaten them a bit.”

“No. Fuck that. You can’t be serious. They’re not even worth your time. Trust me, I hate them as much as you do. But you’re not going to go up against a group of asschildren to make a point. I’ll just call the police. For fuck’s sake, just chill. What kind of stupid bullshit is this?”

He let out a long breath. “Didn’t think I’d ever hear you tell me to chill. What has the world come to?”

“Well, what can I do when you go crazy? Since when are you so violent?”

“You have no idea. I have to kill animals all the time. It’s shit, but it’s a thing.”

My eyes widened. “What?”

“Forget I said anything.”

“You can’t just keep on telling me shit and then pretending you didn’t.”

He shrugged.

“And slow the fuck down. We’re not racing against your demons here. You’re gonna get us killed.”

“I won’t get into an accident, trust me. I have sick reflexes.”

“Slow. The fuck. Down.”

I reached over and tried to get his foot on the brakes.

“Whoa, have we graduated to fondling in the car now?” He slowed down.

I let go immediately. “Shut the fuck up. I didn’t do that. And how is your skin so cold? That’s what you get for driving around in a convertible.”

“That’s definitely a price I’d be willing to pay.”

“This isn’t seriously your car, is it? How expensive is it?”

“You don’t even want to know that, do you? Gold palace levels of expensive, but worth every dollar. And we have enough of the stuff. Andrew makes shittons of money, Lord knows why. It's probably the kinky horse porn he likes to draw and sell. Just imagine our entire house being built out of gold. And don’t diss the car, it’s dope as hell. Hey, wanna drift?”

I gave him an incredulous look. “I’m not willing to drift with a car that cost a million dollars. Have some respect.”

“So you’d be willing to drift with a different car?”

“I’d rather stab out my own eyes with a table lamp. Look, let’s just go to McDonald’s before you get any other great ideas.”

He sighed. “Remember that time I told you it’d be better for you if we didn’t hang out? That’s still a thing. Besides, I don’t really eat.”

I let out an enraged sound. “What? You’re the one who’s been following me around. Don’t talk to me about us not hanging out when you’ve initiated almost every instance of hanging out.”

“Yeah, sorry. You have no idea how dangerous this actually is and I’m over here like yolo. If I’m gonna gamble with someone’s life, it should at least be my own and not yours. You didn’t even get to read the terms and conditions.”

“I, as always, barely understand you and not because I’m being dumb. But, I’m almost convinced you’re being way too angsty. Tell the emo part of you to stop this shit.”

He stopped the car and sighed. “Go eat your burger, Karkat.”

I saw that we’d arrived at a McDonald’s. “I’m not gonna convince you, am I? Why do I even waste my time if you so clearly are not even willing to try?”

I slammed the car door.

 

 

\+ 1

The day after that, I was forced to go to the beach with Kanaya who apparently liked lying in the sun for hours on end like an absolute madwoman. There, we met a group of other guys who seemingly enjoyed the outdoors just as much. We all sat down by a fire somebody had made for cooking lunch and I got out a book. And, lucky for once in my life, I overheard a guy tell the group next to me a story.

“They called them the cold ones. They’re traditionally our enemies. But, and my dad told me this, the pack that came to our territory during my great-grandfather's time was different. They didn’t hunt like the others. Didn’t kill humans. It wasn’t a lie because they saw their eyes were gold instead of red. That, like, comes from not drinking human blood. So we made a truce with them. They had to stay off our lands and we wouldn’t kill them. And that’s why the Cullens don’t come here.”

Whoa, what? Didn’t that just come out of nowhere or had I finally lost my mind?

I grabbed his arm. “What about the Cullens? What do they have to do with anything? Are they like the cold ones your grandfather knew?”

The poor guy leaned back from my loud voice. “They’re not like them, they’re the same ones. Two are new, but the rest are the same.”

“What?”

“My dad says they’re the exact same people. They’re immortal.”

“What are they?”

He grimaced. “Dude, why are you yelling? It’s just a story, of course it’s bull.”

I shook him. “No, what are they? What does cold ones even mean? Fucking talk to me!”

“Calm down!” I let him go and he continued. “Okay, so they also called them bloodsuckers.”

“...Vampires?”

I felt like hitting myself with a lightbulb.

“I guess.”

I stormed off.

I immediately called Dave and yelled at him to come to my house right the fuck now. He only made one booty call joke.

When his insufferable Ferrari came to a stop next to me, I said, “I fucking know.”

“Know? ...Oh.” He looked around. “Let’s go somewhere else? You don’t really know the definition of an inside voice or a voice that doesn’t let every single nosy neighbor hear every single thought you have.”

I nodded and started power-walking in the direction of the woods.

He followed me and said, “Whoa, okay, the woods? You couldn’t have chosen a place that doesn’t scream ‘somebody is going to get murdered’ quite as loudly?”

“I’m not going to kill you.”

“What? No, of course not. I’m going to kill you.”

I stopped. Turned around.

“Not really. I mean, it’s a possibility. I could. Not that I want to. Or plan to. But I wouldn’t have entirely excluded the possibility if I was you.”

“I know you didn’t mean it like that. I stopped because nobody can hear us here.”

He stood far away enough from me that I’d have trouble hitting him with a stone. And honestly, he kind of seemed to suspect somebody would get hurt, either literally or emotionally. He had his hands in his pant pockets and he’d stopped moving entirely.

I spoke, “You’re impossibly fast. And strong. Your skin is pale white and ice-cold. Your eyes change color. You never eat or drink anything. You don’t go out in the sunlight... How old are you?”

Nothing except his lips moved. “Seventeen.”

“How long have you been seventeen?”

“A while,” he admitted after a short pause.

I took a deep breath. “I know what you are.”

“Say it. Out loud.” I hesitated. He repeated, “Say it.”

“Vampire.”

He raised his head. For a few seconds, I could only hear the rustling of the leaves.

“Well, for a second I was scared you were gonna say something else there. Like, I don’t know, a nerd on steroids.”

“Dave.”

“Are you scared?”

I shook my head. “No.”

“No. Just like that. I could be an eldritch abomination and you wouldn’t give a shit. You do know what we drink?”

“Animal blood. Please, I’ve seen you be a dork too often to be scared of you now.”

He was suddenly much closer. “You don’t know the half of it. Your blood’s like crack cocaine to me, it’s the perfect fucking snack. You smell like drinking every drop of your blood is the only way I’m not gonna go crazy. The first time I met you, I almost killed you, any illusion of morality be damned. You should be scared.”

“I smell good to you?”

“That’s one hell of a crass understatement. You smell like I’ve been stumbling through the desert for four weeks and you’re sweet, delicious apple juice.”

“But you can control yourself.” No doubt in my voice.

He kicked a twig. “Karkat, no. You have no idea how hard this is. I feel like I’m actively dying of thirst. You know the kind of shit people do when they’re so addicted to something they think they’re gonna die without it. It’s like that.”

“You’ll be fine. I won’t stay away from you just because I smell like a particularly nice pizza to you. Fine, or because I smell like meth or whatever. I’m honestly more concerned by our age difference.”

“What?”

I stepped closer to him, inspecting him. “How old are you really? I’m of age and I realize you’re older than me and can deal with that, but I swear I have a limit to how old I’m willing to accept here.”

“You can’t just gloss over the fact that I deeply want to straight up murder you and suck up your blood until you’re just an empty shell.”

I nodded. “Okay. That worries you, I get it. Let’s talk about it, then. You said it’s getting better the longer you talk to me and so far the worst you’ve done to me was being rude. And I know you’d hate it if I got hurt. I trust you. You can control yourself. Except when it comes to bad jokes apparently.”

“Why would I ever hold back with bad jokes? No, more importantly, why would you ever trust me? Yesterday I tried to fit a tennis ball in my mouth just to see if I could. I’m an idiot.”

“Okay, but not dangerous. Everything you’ve ever said showed that with painful clarity.”

He was quiet for a while. “How old is too old?”

I considered. “I don’t know... Okay, let’s start like this. Did you experience the first World War?”

“Nope. Doesn’t sound all that dope either. Didn’t see the second one either. I’m not that old, actually.”

“Okay, that’s definitely enough for now. That’s not nearly as bad as I’d imagined.”

He smiled a small smile.

“Do you really sleep in coffins?”

“We don’t sleep at all, which, yes, is exactly as annoying as it sounds. But trust me, if I could, I would definitely be sleeping in the cheesiest, most gothic coffin I could find. Rose sometimes chills in one. And there are tons of things the media doesn’t know about us. Which reminds me, hey, you should see this shit.”

He took off his shirt.

“Dave?”

“Watch this.”

He stepped into a ray of sun that was shining through the leaves. My mouth opened involuntarily as he started actually glittering right in front of my eyes. His skin looked like it was made of diamonds.

“You... glitter in the sun? No way. I’m not seeing this right.”

He spread his arms. “I totally glitter. And sparkle and twinkle and all kinds of beautiful things. Move over unicorns, a new beautiful symbol of swag is in town. Isn’t this the best shit you’ve ever seen? I don’t get to show this off a lot which is one hell of a shame. I look like I’m the party version of a mainstream vampire. This is why we can’t go into the sunlight. But, really, who’d prefer impromptu burning to a little disco ball action?”

“...You’re kind of beautiful.”

“Hell yes. Hell. Fucking. Yes.”

I stepped closer. “Can I touch?”

He froze.

I held up my arms. “Shit, I made it totally awkward. Never mind. Completely forget I ever even thought about touching you. In a scientifically curious way.”

“No, you can touch. It’s fine. Go ahead. Do it. Really.”

I hesitantly put my fingertips on his stomach. He didn’t move.

“Okay.” I cleared my throat. “You feel kind of cold and hard. It’s like I’m touching a glittering marble statue. Hey, are you breathing at all?”

“Sorry, sometimes I forget to breathe. I don’t really need to, I just do it for the humans. You distracted me.”

I looked up into his shades. “You don’t have to breathe for my sake. And see, you can control yourself just fine if that’s the worst thing that can happen when you’re distracted.”

“I don’t know. I told you, this is like balancing on a nail while writing ill rhymes. It’s hard, no matter how sick I am. Hell, I’d probably murder you if you kissed me. Hypothetically.”

“But you can control it better the more you see me?”

“Yeah.”

I cocked my head. “So there’s possible kissing in the future?”

“Is there?”

“You tell me.”

He raised one corner of his mouth. “Not within any time that could be described as soon.”

“Obviously, I don’t just stick my tongue into every person I see either. Not soon is a given. But. At some point?”

“At some point.”

**Author's Note:**

> And so the ~~(asshole)~~ lion fell in love with the ~~(other asshole)~~ lamb.


End file.
